The Uke Problem
by Septdeneuf
Summary: In which Sanji's world view needs some adjustment and Zoro's penis does not, in fact, have magical powers. Also smut occurs.


Zoro had known from the beginning that it wasn't going anywhere, that this was some strange lapse in judgement and would last maybe a few moments at best until the cook's brain caught up with what he was doing here. So he'd decided to make the most of it, and dammit if it wasn't just as good as he'd always imagined it, possibly even better. The cook's tongue was well trained from smoking and had proved to be very talented, and the making out had been pretty damn intense.

Up until the point when the cook had shoved him away with a look of… well Zoro didn't want to say horror, because he liked to think he was a better kisser than that but… it kinda looked like horror, to be honest. So this was as far as the whole cook thing would ever go, one make out session ending with a scandalized shriek even if Sanji had kind of been the one to initiate. Better to have tried it at least than to keep wondering.

And really, the swordsman would've been fine with leaving it that way if it hadn't been for what Sanji said next.

"I don't want to wear a dress! And I don't sparkle when I get off, either!"

"… ?" Zoro replied, scrunching his eyebrows together.

"So this isn't going to work!" Sanji declared, as if that somehow followed from his previous statements and as if those had anything to do with the current situation.

"Huh?"

"I can't be with a guy, I'm not an okama!" Sanji yelped out.

"What and you're saying that I am?" Zoro asked darkly. It wasn't that he had any issue with okama, certainly not like the cook did, but that didn't mean he was one, or that he appreciated being called one just because he liked men.

"What? No, you're a seme," Sanji said, as if that was completely obvious. Which it really wasn't to Zoro, he wasn't even completely convinced that that was a real word, but Sanji went on without addressing Zoro's look of confusion. "And that means I either have to be an okama or an uke and I don't want to be either. I hate wearing dresses and I don't want to cry during sex."

"That… what?" Really, Zoro was making every effort to understand what the cook was saying, he wasn't being dense on purpose or anything… it just didn't make any sense, and he was pretty sure he wasn't the one at fault for that.

"So this isn't going to work. Sorry if that disappoints you but that's how it's going to be", Sanji declared. He folded his arms and leaned back against the bench and air of 'this discussion's over' about him.

"Okay, if you don't want to do anything with me that's fine, but you can't just start spouting nonsense and expect not to be called out for it. What the fuck are you on about, cook?"

"I don't want to be an uke!" Sanji exclaimed.

"Yeah, you said that, what the fuck does that mean?"

"Well I did my research. You're obviously a seme so if I want to do something with you I'd have to be an uke. Or an okama. And that's just not worth it, no matter how often I might fantasize about licking your abs." Zoro raised an eyebrow at the last part, but decided not to comment on it for the moment. He had feeling that if he played his cards right there might still be a chance to turn that fantasy into reality so sorting through the mess that was the rest of what the cook was saying took priority for the moment.

"What kind of research?"

"Well, you know…" there was a blush spreading on Sanji's face and Zoro had to keep himself from laughing at that. That would probably not be a winning strategy in the present situation. "Porn."

"What kind of porn?"

"Gay porn. Obviously." At that the cook looked at Zoro as though he was stupid. But he was pretty sure that whatever the hell the real problem was going to turn out to be, it wasn't him that was stupid.

"Okay so what kind of gay porn, then?"

Sanji rolled his eyes. "Wait here," he instructed. With that, he left the galley, leaving Zoro to sit at the table and ponder the turn of events. He wasn't completely sure what to make of it yet, if he was honest. But as far as staying behind to guard the ship with only one other crew member went it certainly was more interesting than last time when he'd been training and Robin had been reading in the library.

A few minutes later Sanji returned, slamming some… were those comics? - on the table.

"Research", he said tersely and lit himself a cigarette as Zoro looked at the magazines. All of them featured drawn guys with oddly sharp noses on the covers.

Flipping through them revealed that they really were gay porn… of a sort, at least. Apparently they were about large guys with really strangely proportioned hands seducing significantly smaller guys and then having sex with lots of black bars that hid absolutely nothing over their drawn genitals.

"…Did you steal those from Nami?", Zoro asked after a moment. He was pretty sure he'd seen her with stuff with similar covers.

"No. I bought them myself, I just got the inspiration on what to buy from hers," Sanji explained, looking irritated at Zoro looking at his reading material and still blushing. "I wasn't ready for photos of naked men just because I sorta found you attractive so this seemed like a good compromise for research purposes. Anyway, the big guy is called seme and the little one is the uke."

With that new information what Sanji had said made a little more sense. The 'uke' was pretty much crying in every sex scene, while the 'seme' looked like a predator ramming his weirdly proportioned cock into the smaller guy with a grand disregard for the smaller guy's discomfort.

And there were sparkles around the little guy at what Zoro supposed to be his orgasm.

"… This is your source?"

"Yes."

"That's what you think gay sex is like?"

Sanji just sort of shrugged at that one. Looked slightly embarrassed, too.

"Okay, hilarious as I think it is that you cast yourself in the role of the little guy there, you do realize that's not realistic, right?"

"So it's a bit exaggerated," Sanji admitted.

"A bit? The large dude's penis is the size of the other guy's forearm. This should not be news to you, but most dicks are not bigger than baguettes."

"Yes, I know it's exaggerated-"

Zoro felt the need to interrupt, "if that's an exaggeration, then Brook is a bit on the skinny side. Slightly."

"-Point is, I'm better looking than you, so I'd be the little guy," the cook explained.

"Wait, since when are you better looking than anyone?"

"And the little guy is always crying," Sanji went on as if he hadn't been interrupted, "because clearly the mechanics are all wrong, the other guy's dick is always too big and it doesn't fit, and it's painful. Really painful apparently and I'm not a masochist, so whatever you had in mind is not going to happen."

"Let me remind you, you kissed me, so it's not really about what I had in mind in the first place. And the mechanics are not wrong, they're actually fit quite well in real life," Zoro said.

"Oh do they, now?" Sanji didn't look convinced. So apparently some show and tell was in order.

Zoro untied the sash on his robe with a quick move of his hand and then went to open his belt. Sanji looked confused until the swordsman reached his zipper, then a horrified expression that was actually quite funny to observe spread on his face.

"Oi, are you…?" Sanji stammered, evidently too flustered by the turn of events to even form a complete sentence.

"Yes, that's my dick," Zoro said unconcerned as he freed the body part in question from its confines. "Say hello," he added with a grin.

"What the… I'm not talking to your cock, shithead! Put your pants back on!" Sanji declared. While staring. Quite unabashedly, too. After the initial shock faded there was a look of contemplation on the cook's features that Zoro decided looked like a good sign.

"Well anyway, point I'm…" Zoro started, but then Sanji interrupted him.

"That's smaller than mine," he commented, face still scrunched up in concentration, apparently mentally comparing the two.

"The hell it is!" Zoro instantly shouted. Because while he was prepared to admit that the size difference in the comic like baguette to pickled gherkin probably wouldn't apply to the two of them, Zoro knew he was quite well equipped, better than pretty much any guy he'd been with, and there was no way some pale skinny cook could match this.

"No, that's definitely smaller."

"Prove it!" Zoro bellowed, slightly louder than he'd meant to, but he was not prepared to let such an outrageous claim stand uncontested.

"No need to be so touchy about it, marimo, nature can't bless everyone equally or it wouldn't be impressive anymore," Sanji said with a smug grin. "Prepare to be humbled."

With that he opened his belt and proceeded to free his dick from his pants. Honestly Zoro hadn't expected him to do that, but just like him the cook could never back down from a challenge.

The fact that the cook's penis jumped up from its confinement seemed very promising to Zoro.

He leaned forward, ignoring any questions about size for the moment and put his face directly next to Sanji's dick. "Hello," he said breathily, making sure to blow some air on it.

"O-oi!" Sanji reprimanded, a blush on his face. "You can't just talk to my dick!"

"Oh right, I should probably introduce myself first," Zoro agreed. Before the cook had a chance to protest, Zoro grabbed it and shook it firmly like he would if he were shaking someone's hand. "Hi, I'm Zoro, nice to meet you, I'm sure we'll interact a lot from now on."

The look on Sanji's face as he slapped the hand away was absolutely priceless, and Zoro was pretty sure the grin on his own was big enough to show all of his teeth. "No you won't, shithead!"

"Well from where I'm standing that still remains to be seen," Zoro said confidently. "Because I'm pretty sure you wouldn't even have tried to _research_ if you were completely disinterested."

Sanji grumbled something and turned his head away so that his face was hidden behind his bangs. That didn't make his blush any less obvious, though.

"Anyway stop distracting from the issue, mine is clearly bigger than yours," Sanji stated, quite boldly for someone who was so embarrassed he barely parted his teeth while speaking.

"No it's not," Zoro said, but now that he was actually concentrating on comparing them he was starting to get his doubts. "Mine's clearly wider." And it was. The cook's dick was just like the rest of him, long and thin. Okay so not thin, exactly, but definitely thinner than Zoro's and thus smaller in total, since the volume was smaller.

"It's longer," Sanji said with a grin, embarrassment receding now that he was participating in a contest.

And Zoro really really wanted to deny the point, but… well… "Slightly. Maybe," he somewhat conceded. "Mine's wider than yours is longer."

"Ah, what a great point, marimo. When guys brag about how many inches they have it's obviously the radius they're talking about. You lose!" And now Sanji was the one grinning, while Zoro was scowling. Not blushing, obviously.

The cook leaned in to Zoro's face and looked like he was enjoying himself immensely as he whispered, "Looks like maybe _I _should be the one to bend _you_ over the table, after all."

"Fine, as long as you know what you're doing, first," Zoro conceded easily. Because that was a thought he had absolutely zero problems with.

"Wait, really? You mean you'd actually let me…? But you're…" It seemed Zoro had successfully derailed Sanji's thought process again, which he counted as a success, if only to stop the shitty cook bragging about his penis size. The difference was barely noticeable, anyway…

"Look I still don't know why you're so set on you being a ukulele and me being a sesame or whatever, but that's not how it works in real life, at least not where I'm concerned. Sure, I like topping, I might even prefer it most of the time but that doesn't mean I can't have equally as much fun as the bottom."

Sanji scrunched his ridiculous eyebrow and seemed to consider that for a moment before he answered. "Okay, well, you have a thing for pain, though."

"Not really, and even if I did that has nothing to do with me liking to bottom, so get that dumb idea out of your head," Zoro said, rolling his eyes.

"The little crying guy disagrees with you!" Sanji exclaimed, pointing at the comic page that was still open on the table.

"Well the little crying guy is just a drawing. I'm a real person who's actually done that sort of thing before, who are you going to believe? Anyway, the point I was trying to make is, look at my dick." Sanji glared at him as if the mere suggestion was offensive, completely forgetting how he was staring before, apparently, but looked at it anyway. "Now think about how big your shits usually are."

"Wait what?" Sanji looked up at that, clearly confused. "Not that I mind comparing any part of you with shit, shithead, but what the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

"Well looking at yours I know my dumps can be bigger than that, and I'm just gonna assume yours can be, too. And that's how big your ass stretches on a regular basis no problem, and it can go wider than that if need be, too. So there's plenty of room for a dick in there if you can convince it not to clench up."

Sanji looked back down at Zoro's dick. Then he looked at his own. Back to Zoro's. Blinked a few times. Back up to Zoro's face. Back down to his dick. Back to his own. Back to Zoro's. Looking at Zoro's a bit more.

"…huh," he finally concluded, looking completely stumped by Zoro's comparison.

Zoro looked back at the comic while the cook was busy with his penis staring contest. The little guy seemed very meek, sort of half heartedly protesting, only to be completely ignored by the bug guy who seemed to think "no" meant "keep going, I'm sure you'll like it later" which was frankly a bit concerning, especially because Sanji apparently seemed to think that the bigger guy represented Zoro.

"And anyway, why the hell would you think I'd want you to be like that whiny kid anyway?" Zoro asked, waking the cook from his penis and shit analogy induced reverie.

"Uh… well… I've seen you stare at my ass. Multiple times, I know you think you're being subtle, but you aren't, bastard," Sanji explained. "And… you know… if you're interested in my ass it probably means you want to… you know… and that's the role of the little guy, so I thought that's what you wanted me to be."

"You're really dumb," Zoro said, rubbing his forehead at the stupidity.

"You do stare at my ass!" the cook defended himself.

"Yes I do, that's not what I'm talking about. Just the fact that you read about one type of relationship, that is really weird by the way, and assume that's the only way a relationship between two guys can go, and automatically assume that because I'm interested in you I want you to be that specific thing you saw somewhere. You really think I want some whiny submissive little guy crying all the time so I can feel like a borderline rapist or something?"

"It sounds stupid when you say it like that…"

"That's because it is stupid! Do you really think that if I wanted that I'd have fallen for you?"

"Wait, fallen for?" Sanji interrupted with an odd look on his face but Zoro wasn't done yet and he sure as hell wasn't going to acknowledge that slip up.

"And how do you think you'd have become that whiny little bitch anyway? Nice as it is my penis doesn't have magic personality changing powers!"

"Okay so it sounds really stupid when you say it like that," Sanji admitted, looking more than a bit embarrassed as he lit a cigarette.

"It sounds stupid the way you said it, too," Zoro reiterated.

"Okay, well then, since you're so smart, marimo, educate me. How is it supposed to work, then?" Sanji asked in in irritated tone. Still smoking, face turned to the side, but Zoro didn't miss the interested look he shot the swordsman's dick through his fringe.

Score! Zoro felt the smirk spreading over his face.

"Well if you want me to, I can show you," he offered.

"What, right now?" Sanji asked, his voice guarded, still looking away.

"Do you have anything better to do?" Zoro challenged. "And since we're both partway undressed already, anyway…" Not to mention both sitting there with happily erect penises.

"So, you're gonna show me how buttsex is supposedly not painful and doesn't turn the guy who gets it shoved in into a crying little uke, is that correct?" Sanji summarized.

"Pretty much." He wasn't completely sure the cook would say yes. A few hours ago he thought it would never have been possible, but now he knew he had him hooked. Question was, was the cook adventurous enough to try it, or was he too stuck in his nosebleeding ways to seriously consider something like this?

"Okay then. Do your best, then. If you mess this up or I don't like it I'll never do this with any man again, least of all you," Sanji said. He took his cigarette from his mouth and extinguished it in the ashtray on the table.

"Oh, don't worry about that, just sit back and enjoy," Zoro said with a grin. "You got olive oil or something I can use for this?"

"Oil? What do you need that for?"

Zoro shot the cook an unimpressed look. "Pretty shitty research you did there, cook. Assholes aren't self lubricating, and lubricating is pretty much the key to this whole thing not hurting."

"Oh… in the comic they always have wet fingers without any explanation…" Sanji said thoughtfully.

"Yeah well the only liquid that comes from an ass is diarrhea and I think you'll agree with me that it's not a good idea to stick anything in if that's the case."

"Uh…" Sanji said with a disgusted look. "So, then, olive oil is good for that? Let me see." He got up from his seat and rummaged through his cupboards. Zoro took the opportunity to unapologetically stare at the cook's backside as he reached up to a shelf and his partway undone pants slid down his hips enticingly.

"With Chili is probably not so good, right? What about extra virgin?"

"Extra virgin's perfect," Zoro said. He really wished he could've suppressed the snort but he just couldn't help it.

"Oi!" Sanji yelled as he spun around with the bottle of oil in hand. "I was asking a serious question!" Which got undermined slightly by the fact that his pants chose this particular moment to abandon their owner completely and slid to the floor. "Uh…"

"Seriously, any kind of oil is fine", Zoro said, this time better able to keep from laughing at how the cook was staring sort of longingly at his pants on the floor.

"Okay, so this one works, then?" Sanji asked, stepping out of his pants and after a moment of consideration slipping out of his shoes and socks too. For a moment Zoro was tempted to make him check his cupboard again, because that would probably be even more fun to observe now that his pants were gone, but decided he wasn't going to waste any more time that he could be spending doing much more… fulfilling… things.

"Yeah it's fine, come over here," he instructed. There was a look of calculated nervousness on the cook's face, as if he was trying to make up his mind whether or not he should run away at this point. But he wasn't running, yet, so Zoro would just have to make sure he would completely forget about that urge soon.

He got up from his seat on the bench and met the cook. With one hand he plucked the bottle of oil from the cook's hand and set it on the table for later use while leaning in for a kiss simultaneously. The look on Sanji's face was still a little uncertain, but his eyes closed when their lips met.

Zoro already knew that this, at least, was familiar territory for the cook, and he could practically feel the other man's confidence returning as he opened his mouth, inviting the swordsman in and then sucking and lightly biting at his tongue when it came. Sanji's fingers found their way into Zoro's hair and even if they weren't speaking, the green haired man could practically hear him think obnoxious comments about how grassy or mossy or whatever it was.

One of the swordsman's hands found its way into the cook's hair as well, and he had to admit that he was surprised at how soft it was. He didn't exactly make a habit out of touching other people's hair so he wasn't all that experienced in judging the texture, but it seemed the cook's daily bathing had some benefit on that front.

And whatever former training the cook had at making out was definitely worth it. Zoro wasn't quite content letting Sanji take control of the kiss and neither was Sanji willing to let Zoro control it so it kept going back and forth, getting more and more aggressive.

Zoro grabbed Sanji's tie to pull the cook closer, and he probably should've realized what this would result in, but he'd kind of been focussing on winning at the kissing part, so their dicks rubbing at and then sort of bouncing off each other took him by surprise, too. The cook took in a hissing breath. He stared at Zoro with his visible pupil blown wide.

A slight smirk on Sanji's face was the only warning before the cook pushed Zoro's robe off his shoulders. The triumphant look on his face at that seemed like a challenge to Zoro, who wasted no time divesting the cook of his suit jacket before pulling off his tie.

"The fuck you have so many buttons for?" Zoro asked irritatedly as he god to work on Sanji's shirt, only pausing briefly to raise his arms as Sanji pushed his haramaki up over his head.

"Well if this is too difficult for you to manage we don't have to do any of this," Sanji said with a grin. "We could play cards instead. Or maybe go read a good book or have a discussion about philosophy. Clean the bathroom. You know, worthwhile things."

Zoro valiantly fought the urge to rip the stupid shirt from the cook's shoulders and dropped to his knees instead. "Your owner's saying crazy things, you really should have better control over him," he told Sanji's dick.

"Oh you think you're so funny, don't you?" Sanji asked with a sneer as he continued unbuttoning his shirt. He was, admittedly a whole lost faster at that than Zoro was.

Zoro meanwhile pushed the cook's boxer's down that hadn't been concealing much anymore, anyway. Should he…? Well since he was down here already…

He leaned forward and, gripping the base tightly, closed his mouth around the head of Sanji's cock.

The noise that Sanji made at that was a strangled sort of whine that made Zoro feel quite accomplished to hear. "What the hell are you doing?" the cook forced out, sounding like talking had suddenly become quite a bit more difficult.

"That should be obvious," Zoro remarked. He couldn't talk quite as clearly with a dick in his mouth as he could with a sword, since with the sword it involved biting down really hard while talking which wasn't quite appropriate in the current situation, but his speech was not impaired nearly as much as most other people's would be.

"How am I supposed to get the rest of your clothes off you, if you're doing that?" Sanji asked. One of his hands gripped Zoro's hair and pulled him away from his dick.

"Most people would've taken a moment to enjoy that," Zoro grumbled. He knew for a fact that his blow job technique was very good, so he was trying very hard not to take the cook's rejection of it as criticism, but…

"We're not doing that, now, we're doing buttsex, don't distract from the main event," Sanji said. "And if we're doing that you better get out of your shitty pants and boots because I'm not going to be the only one naked here."

"Fine," Zoro said and removed his pants in one swift movement as he got up again, stepping out of his boots. "Happy?"

That didn't receive an answer as Sanji paused to just look at the now completely revealed swordsman. The way his eye was tracing along all the contours of the swordsman's body was a bit unnerving until Zoro realized that the curly brow was twitching in obvious interest. Zoro took the moment to appreciate the view himself. This was of course not the first time they'd seen each other naked what with the Sunny's bath getting shared more than once, but it was different looking at each other with the "buttsex", as Sanji liked to call it, on the agenda.

"So, uh, how does this go now? Should I get on my hands and knees, or bend over the table, or…?" Sanji asked uncertainly after a loud swallowing announced he was ready to stop staring.

"You're really impatient, aren't you? Anyway, no, you can just lie down on the couch," Zoro instructed. He was a bit annoyed at Sanji interrupting the pacing, because Zoro was sure he could've made this go a whole lot more smoothly and less awkward if only the cook let him lead. Then again as the blond turned around and sauntered over to the couch Zoro got a very nice view of his ass, so there were advantages, too. The cook had been right, the swordsman did like staring at it.

"On my belly or…?" Sanji asked vaguely standing next to the couch looking a bit nervous again.

"Nah, belly up," Zoro instructed as he went to the couch himself. Sanji lay down stiffly, looking at Zoro a bit suspciously. The swordsman wanted to tell him to relax, but he didn't want to risk a snarky comment at that sparking an argument, so he just climbed on the couch over the cook and captured him in a kiss again.

He took the opportunity to run his hand along the cook's sides, exploring the contours while letting the blond control the kiss as his attention shifted. Sanji took the cue and one of his hands went back into Zoro's hair that he seemed to have taken a liking to, regardless of how much he liked teasing the swordsman about it, while the other traced gently along the large scar that ran along Zoro's torso.

As Zoro's hand moved further down the cook's side the cook suddenly gasped a short laugh into their kiss.

"Ticklish there?" Zoro inquired, while teasing the spot some more, making Sanji squirm.

"Shut up," Sanji said testily, his tone shaky from more unbidden laughs. "Don't you have better things to be worrying about?"

"Maybe," Zoro agreed, letting his hand wander further downwards. Finally arriving at the cook's ass he couldn't help the urge to grope the firm muscle. He deserved some credit for fighting that urge pretty much every time they'd fought, so he felt justified in indulging himself a bit. Sanji grinned at him as he saw the evident interest and reciprocated by letting his fingers run along the swordsman's abs, stopping just short of Zoro's pubic hair, angling his hand just so that it wasn't touching Zoro's dick, but he could feel its warmth right there.

"Feel free to introduce yourself," Zoro said and what was meant to be a teasing tone came out as more of a throaty whisper than he'd intended.

Sanji rolled his eyes at him. "Hi Zoro's penis, I really hope he didn't name you, but considering how fond he seems to be of talking to organs like yourself, I think my hope might be futile," he said, and after a moment of hesitation he grabbed the appendage in question and give it a quick but firm shake. Which felt pretty damn fantastic in Zoro's current condition. Too bad the cook pulled his hand away almost immediately.

"I just touched another man's dick…" Sanji said with a look on his face that was somewhere between wonder and disgust.

"Talked to it, too", Zoro said. He took advantage of the cook's momentary distraction and got the bottle from the table and pouring liberal amounts of oil on his hand. "And no, I didn't name it. But if we're gonna do this more often feel free to come up with a nickname."

"Well that still remains to be seen," Sanji snapped. "You don't seem too eager to get to the main event, are you scared you won't convince me?"

"Oh come on, love cook. Don't you know anything about build up, foreplay, teasing? Do you usually just plunge in? I feel sorry for the women you're trying to get to sleep with you, then."

"Of course I know about build up. But that's with women, it's different," Sanji argued, looking flustered at Zoro criticizing him.

"Not that different," Zoro said. While at the same time bringing his hand down between Sanji's legs. He found the puckered entrance and rubbed a few teasing circles there.

"Oh," Sanji exclaimed. "That's the… you're gonna… prepare… this is weird." While tensing up at the same time with a look on his face as if he was considering running away again.

"Relax, cook, it's not that weird once you get used to it. But if you want me to stop, you can just say so, and I'll stop right here," Zoro said. The instruction to relax hadn't made a difference, but the offer to stop made the cook's shoulder's relax a bit. Which was a pity, really, Zoro had really been looking forward to this, but he could understand if the cook wasn't ready to go any further just yet. Maybe there was still a chance in the future…

"No… I said… I do wanna know, I'm… yeah, go ahead," Sanji said, licking his lips and looking up at Zoro's face. He still looked nervous, but there was a resolve there that Zoro found promising.

"Alright then," Zoro said. Keeping his fingers there for so long seemed to have gotten Sanji's body used to their presence and as he slowly pushed the first one in he was happy to find that the resistance wasn't nearly as bad as it could be.

The cook was biting his lip, looking off to the side uncertainly, but as Zoro wiggled his finger around he knew there was a way to get him to go from nervous to excited again. He turned his finger upwards and as he curled it towards himself he could tell he'd found his price.

"Oh!" Sanji said suddenly, and his expression went from nervous to surprised in an instant. "That's… is that…?"

"Prostate, yeah, kinda the point of the whole thing, at least on the receiving end," Zoro said. He had to restrain himself from laughing as he teased the organ more and a really stupid lopsided smile spread on the cook's lips.

"That's… that's not a a bad point, I suppose," the cook gasped out, like he was considering the merits of an argument in a discussion.

"I know," Zoro agreed with a grin an added another finger, while keeping on teasing the spot. Sanji barely even seemed to notice the intrusion of the second digit, staring at the ceiling absently. Zoro let his free hand roam around the cook's body again, but Sanji seemed to be too busy discovering the magical properties of his prostate to care.

Zoro poked the spot more harshly and was rewarded with a happy gasp. Spreading his fingers to make more room led to a quiet moan that the swordsman immediately resolved to hear more of and make much louder by the end of this.

As Zoro added the third finger he deliberately avoided brushing against the prostrate for a bit, focussing more on making the muscles around them relax. As he only lightly touched the prostrate again Sanji began squirming against his fingers, trying to get the sensation back. All the while making those quiet noises that were seriously testing Zoro's patience.

When he was reasonably certain that it was enough preparation, Zoro took care to keep at it for a bit longer to make absolutely sure that the cook wouldn't have any pain to complain about it. Judging by the liberal amount of precome on the cook's erection and the still present stupid smile, the blond seemed to enjoy himself already, anyway.

With his free hand Zoro reached for the bottle of oil, but then realized that he probably wouldn't manage to lube himself up with just one hand, at least not without spilling quite a large amount of oil on the floor, which he cook probably wouldn't appreciate too much, even if he'd already allowed for this use of the oil.

So he regretfully removed his fingers, and poured the oil onto his hand to slick himself up.

"Hm?" Sanji asked, looking up from his finger fuck induced trance. As soon as he spotted what Zoro was doing the stupid smile fell from his features and he looked nervous again.

"If you changed your mind, now would be a good time to say something," Zoro said, staying where he was for the moment even though his neglected erection was aching to finally get to play its part.

Sanji looked down at Zoro's dick seemingly considering for a moment. Then he swallowed and a look of determination replaced nervousness. "No, go ahead, do your thing," he instructed.

"Alright then, tell me if there's a problem," Zoro said, positioning himself. He could've said _tell me if it hurts_, but he was convinced that it wouldn't.

He grabbed the cooks hip with one hand to steady himself and guided himself with the other to slowly push in. There was more resistance than with the fingers, but there was plenty of lube making him slide smoothly. He kept an eye on Sanji's face. He had his eyes shut tightly, but he didn't complain, so Zoro kept going until his hips were flush with the cook's.

And what an absolutely awesome place that was to be. The tight heat enveloping him was making him light headed in the best possible way, but he resolved not to move any further until he was sure Sanji was okay with it.

"So, cook. Feel your personality changing yet?" Zoro challenged with a grin.

"Oh shut your fucking face!", Sanji yelled, his eyes opening to level a glare at the green headed man. A foot raised threateningly next to Zoro's head. "Don't think that I can't bash your brains in from this position." And Zoro didn't doubt that he could, but he couldn't help chuckling at the mental picture.

"Anyway, aren't you going to move? Pretty sure you're not just supposed to park it in there," Sanji went on, raising an eyebrow at the swordsman.

"I was waiting for you to adjust," Zoro said, pulling out a bit, "you know, being considerate."

"Well, get on with… oh holy hell!", Sanji yelled out as Zoro thrust back in. Taking that as encouragement Zoro pulled out again and grabbed the cook's leg that was still hovering next to his head and draped it over his shoulder to adjust the angle before sliding back in.

There it was again the little moan from before, except louder and Zoro had to reign in his excitement. He desperately wanted to go faster but he wanted to make this last as long as possible and drive the cook absolutely insane with bliss if he could. So he set a slow, meticulous pace, sliding out slowly before each quick thrust.

Sanji's mouth was hanging open, and he let the first few thrusts wash over him before seemingly remembering that he was an active participant in this thing.

"Where do I turn off the slow motion setting on you?", he asked, raising one hand to push at Zoro's nose as if it were a button.

"You ask nicely," Zoro panted.

"Oh I don't think so. I'm giving you a very exclusive and rare opportunity here, you gotta do what I demand," the cook argued. He used his other foot to push at Zoro's backside to make him slide in deeper.

"You really suck at the meek submissive uke thing," Zoro said with a grin.

"You're not here to criticize my personality, you're here to fuck me a whole lot faster and harder than this!"

"As you wish," Zoro agreed with a laugh. He leaned down, capturing the cook's lips again. He took a moment to marvel how that didn't seem to faze the cook at all despite the way his legs were lopsidedly wrapped around Zoro's torso. Damn that flexibility really was as great as Zoro had from time to time fantasized it might be.

And then there wasn't much more room for thought as he increased his pace and slammed into the cook a lot harder and quicker than before.

Sanji evidently approved as he gasped "yes, yes, yes" into Zoro's ear and then moaned even more loudly.

The swordsman knew he wouldn't last all that long at this pace, especially not with Sanji's voice so near him doing things to him he hadn't expected but knew he would never be able to get enough of.

The tightness around him was perfect, the heat bringing him closer and closer. He grabbed Sanji's cock, and started pumping it in time with his thrusts. The cook's moaning got even louder at that, and Zoro was pretty sure the cook was right there with him. Coming first could be uncomfortable for the cook, so after a few more thrusts Zoro decided it was the right time to let go of his control.

He came with a yell, keeping up the rhythm as long as he could before the sensations overwhelmed him and he couldn't concentrate on anything other than the white hot pleasure washing all over him.

As he came down from it he rode it out with a few more shallow thrusts, focussing all his attention on pumping Sanji's cock. It didn't take much, his wrist had barely moved up and down a few times before the cook tensed and with a squirted all over his chest with a hiss.

Seeing his work was done, Zoro collapsed bonelessly on top of the blond.

For a few moments they were just lying there, panting loudly, both trying to regain control of their breathing. The cook's hair was in disarray and he looked thoroughly fucked, a look Zoro thought was pretty damn good on him. Judging by the satisfied look on his face, Sanji would probably agree.

"So… next time, when I do this to you, it'll be even better, because my penis is bigger, right?"

"Oh, get your head out of your ass!" Zoro groaned. He really wasn't looking forward to hearing jabs about their penis sizes from now until forever. Then again the promise of a next time would probably make up for the indignation.

"Can't," Sanji replied easily. "You're blocking the exit." It took Zoro a moment before he realized what the cook meant.

"Sorry," he said, pulling out with a squishy noise. Sanji started laughing as he heard that.

"I can't believe I actually did that," he said, but from the way he was still laughing he didn't seem to have much of a problem with the idea.

"So, are you convinced now? Or are you turning into a whiny little guy now who wants nothing more than to please me? Cause I'm fine either way," Zoro lied flippantly. Because he really wouldn't be fine with Sanji just turning into an uke. He kinda liked the current version of the shit-cook, not that he would ever admit it out loud.

"Oh shut up," Sanji said, pushing himself up and glaring at Zoro out of both eyes for once, before he fixed his hair. "Make yourself useful and fetch my cigarettes!"

"You still didn't tell me your final judgment on buttsex," Zoro reminded him, even as he got up and went looking for the cook's pants.

"Hm… well I suppose there's worse ways to pass the time."

A/N: So I went to Japan and bought a boatload of Doujinshi. But as much as I adore them all, I couldn't help but wince at the characterization in some of them and how Sanji was crying so much in so many of them.

So I decided to do this, because I wanted to see my favorite characters having fun with their porn for once.

Thanks for reading, tell me what you think! (This might turn into a multi-chapter, depending on my mood, so tell me if that would interest you)


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